Word of the Moment (Empathy)

Empathy [em-fa-thee] | noun

1. the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

2. the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself:  By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

 

COL Christopher McGowan said, as part of his parting speech from Afghanistan, “The hardest thing we do here is communicate.  If we communicate, everything else is easy.”  This was expressed in reference to our military efforts in Afghanistan and his vantage point as Chief of Engineering for U.S. Forces, Afghanistan (USFOR-A).  In most situations, we don't have a technical problem - we have a communication problem.

It is true there and remains accurate in all facets of life.  If we communicate better, the world will be a better place.

 

If one strives to learn the art of communication, one will inevitably approach the ability to listen - the utmost vital skill in communication.  However, many of us could improve in this area.  The majority of people have never been taught how to listen. Too many people have the misconception that you are born with ears; consequently, you can listen.  Hearing is biological; listening must be learned. The art of listening must be studied and tempered, just like any other ability.  It was in high school an epiphany hit me... I did not know how to listen (still do not do it well -  my wife would attest to that). 

 

"One may hear, but never listen; one can look, but never see."  ~ Quyet La (Noted in 2005)

 

When we listen, most of us listen autobiographically. We "...listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. You filter everything you hear through your life experiences - your frame of reference. You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And you consequently decide prematurely what the other person means before he or she finishes communicating." (Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

 

Empathy... we don't have enough of it in the world. Do note; a significant difference exists between empathy and sympathy. One can be sympathetic without being empathetic. You see... sympathy is an autobiographic process, whereas empathy is a walk-in-another's-shoe process.  As people, we have a tendency to be selfish, always wanting to determine our next course of action rather than going outside of ourselves and comprehending from the other person's perspective. 

 

It is not listening when one intends to advise, counsel, judge, agree, disagree, question, analyze, or figure out. Do note that some people just want you to listen – they don’t need for you to solve their problems – others need you to help them find the answers for themselves. For many, the mere act of listening is therapeutic in itself, hence why people pay so much for psychologists. Effective listening requires compassion – compassion means that you are listening to find the best way to help the person without being caught up in their emotions (being caught up is being overly empathetic). Compassionate listening requires that you care and are there listening to the best of your ability.

 

Understanding is the goal of listening; more precisely, comprehending from the speaker's vantage point. Be aware that feeling from the other person's perspective does not mean you agree with them. With cognition, you will be best prepared to offer words; however, forget not that sometimes the best words are no words at all.